8/15/2019

Listening to Mo Murda by Bone Thugs N Harmony, in the dark at 9:49pm. I’ve been in bed the entire day. Waiting… What am I waiting for?? For this depressive episode to pass. I’ve gotten to the point where I know they’re here, I guess you can say this is a good thing. You can’t fix what you don’t know is wrong; one of the first things they teach you in therapy is to recognize triggers, and to become aware of your episodes. I still don’t recognize all of my triggers because there are so many. Moreover different things trigger my depression and different things trigger my anxiety as well as my slight OCD. There is no magic cure for depression it’s just something you learn to live with, overtime you come out of episodes faster and easier… but it still sucks when you’re in one. I’m currently having one now and I decided to write about it to show what it’s like while you’re having one. On the bright side I am now aware, most of the time, when I’m having one now so I can combat the negative and suicidal thoughts as best as I can. Today I’ve been in bed and in the dark the entire day. I’ve eaten one meal earlier this morning. I haven’t done hardly anything productive today. I haven’t spent time with my kids. (Thank goodness they’re older and we’re busy most of the day anyway). I slept a lot which means I probably won’t get much sleep tonight, which may lead to insomnia within the next few days. All of these things make me feel ashamed to admit which will only add to the depression and continue the cycle. Even though major depressive disorder is considered a disability and can be seriously considered debilitating we still worry about our perception to others because society doesn’t understand. We don’t want to look weak or lazy so this is the side that we hide from others. Everyone that has called me today or spoke to me today on social media has no idea that I did nothing all day except lay in bed trying to push through and not give in to the sadness and hopelessness. I go to therapy tomorrow and that usually helps me feel better so hopefully I come out of this episode soon. Unfortunately there’s no way to tell. Episodes can last a few hours to a few days and even a few months. Mine are usually anywhere from a few days to a few months at a time. Lately I’ve been able to come out of them faster though so hopefully by next week I’ll feel better. Until then I have to remember that it will pass and it is only temporary. Some times when I’m feeling like this I think to myself that after things turn around in my life things will get better. Then I remember no matter what happens the depression will always creep in. No amount of money, job title, person or any life changing event will make the depression go away. I just have to keep pushing and keep fighting.

Published by SheTheWriteHer

I'm a Super Mom of two. I am a huge advocate for Autism and Mental Illness. For as long as I can remember I have suffered with depression and anxiety. Writing became my solace. "All my life I had to write".

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