Sometimes I will share a journal insert to show what it’s like to experience an episode and how I’m thinking at the time because I know that my way of thinking is altered during an episode. Here is a journal entry dated 1/11/2019:
I’m not doing well today. I pretty much woke up depressed. I know that most of it has to do with me taking off from work again today and feeling guilty. It can really turn into a vicious cycle if you let it get out of control. This time it started with me waking up to a swollen uvula. I had this issue a few months ago so I planned on going to urgent care then taking the rest of the day off to run some errands. I sucked on some ice like Google said I should do which helped. Then I went back to sleep for a few. When I woke back up I could tell I had a fever, body aches and I felt exhausted. I still felt bad the next day and I still had something to get done that I could only do on the weekday so I called out again. Went to run errands and came home and ate some soup and drank some tea. That night I couldn’t get any sleep and when I woke up I was No good! So… I called out again. Thus began the guilt trip. One of the most common things people with anxiety do is negative self talk. This doesn’t do anything but make you feel even more guilty. Since therapy I have been trying to replace those thoughts with more positive thoughts and when all else fails I remind myself that my health is more important than anything. When all else fails remember to tell yourself this. Your health and “your” happiness is more important than anything. Jobs, people, events etc. all come and go; you’re what’s more important right now at this moment.
I was trying to remember my coping mechanisms that I was taught previously in therapy. I was trying to stay positive because I have been in this situation several times before and I wanted to deal with it differently this time around. Things actually ended up getting worse but I’m proud of myself for staying positive and not reacting the same as I had in the past.